I found an old article!!

Posted by on Sunday 20th July 2003. 2 comments.

As Matthew Day, lord of drunkit, suggested, here is my report of Thursday night.

Thursday started with a bang! (I knocked a glass of water off my bedside table) I awoke at the early hour of 1:30 just in time for Neighbours. There was a strange feeling in the air. A feeling of excitement and anticipation for the events to come.

I was formulating a plan where I could play football at 7 and still get drunk and in Mission by 9. Then something extraordinary happened. It could only be the lord of beer helping me in my hour of need. The football was called off due to a player shortage! Could this be a sign that tonight was destined to be super groovy?

The next few hours were killed with a Championship manager/ Harry Potter orgy.  Then at 2 O’clock Tim Hughes called me from work saying “ Guess what? I got bored and I’m coming home for the afternoon. Fancy the pub?” DID I? Of course I did!

So at 3 O’clock Tim and me wandered on down to the Steam Railway. Here we sipped pints of 6X, Santa Clause, Advent and Archer’s Best. Although 6X is the ultimate swinging beer it seemed a little weak at only 3.8%. That’s why I moved onto the mighty 5% of Santa Clause. After guzzling down 5 of my own pints and most of Tim’s “Best”,  (it didn’t taste right to him, I wasn’t complaining) Tim got a taxi and moved down to Sunny’s to meet his other pals. This was my chance to make a swift exit home.

After fiddling about in various rooms in my house looking for interesting things to bring out it was time to go to Bobby’s house.

I arrived in anticipation of a LARGE vodka night. But when I arrived all that was going on was Bobby’s adolescent brother was doing his best impression of Kevin from Harry Enfield. “THAT IS SO UNFAIR I HATE YOU!” He screamed as he ran out of the house.

So Bob and I got our cheap Mr Miagi Vodka and coke and went back to his bedroom waiting for the boy’s to arrive. Unfortunately only Rakesh could make it and he doesn’t drink vodka. As we listened to some classic Christmas tunes to get us in the mood. The Grimness of the vodka slowly disappeared as the drunkenness took over.

At a time unknown to me, we left for the cross keys, where we met the lads and ladettes of Swindon. I sunk a few more pints of John Smith, topped up my order for Sam’s list then went onto Mission.

Now from here on in, the story may not be 100% accurate. This is where the memories are more like photographs.

There might have been a queue. I’m not sure. But who cares! I got in, and unlike SO many people I wasn’t standing in the cold till 12:00. Ha ha!

When we got in I saw a group of people I recognised over in the corner of the bar. But there were some new people. Who were they? IT WAS JEZ AND PHIL! Hurrah! We sang and danced a merry jig when we met. It was tremendous. Jezz had long pink hair and was riding a unicycle. He wore glasses and was wearing shiny red trousers. Phil was a midget with green hair. He danced and sang like John Travolta in “Grease”. They were both dressed as Santa elves.  I told them a rather amusing joke involving my boss and a pile of jelly, then we shook hands and made our way off in separate directions.

Up next in the evening was the “LARGEST ROUND IN MISSION HISTORY!!!!” the drinks were ordered and the photos were taken (I’ll get the film developed after Christmas eve).  Even the old man took a picture of us all. Ah isn’t he splendid. I must say that Sam did very well in sorting it all out. Hats off to you my son!

The rest of the night was filled with joy and merriness. Sam somehow managed to sneak a fully-grown tarantula past the bouncers and slip it into a young girls cleavage. Oh how we chortled. The highlight of the night was when Bobby caught fire and blamed it on Mike. It probably was his fault though. Right kids!

At 1:50 I thought it was time to get my coat and beat the rush. So I picked it up and went to wait on a wall outside. On further inspection of my watch it turned out to be 12:50!! BOLLOCKS!!!

So the only answer was to wait a whole hour in the sub-zero temperature. I had a discussion with the determined people STILL in the queue. I laughed at them for 15 minutes or so then sat on the wall.

As I was sitting merrily singing to myself, I saw a magic lamp on the floor. I thought hmm just maybe? So I picked it up and rubbed it. Guess what popped out? It was AMIR!!! We had a debate about something then waited for 2 O’clock to roll round. I’m sure everyone did come out in the end but only Elliott appeared in my head. He ripped my tickets in half so I was forced to wrestle him to the ground.

The rest of the night was filled with running around, talking to Mr. Pizza box and falling in a well. But suddenly after an hour and a half of walking and singing on my own the sky opened up and out popped Tim. He had been at his work ‘do’ at Destiny and Desire (traitor). We walked around the streets then suddenly I was in my bed. How I got home, I don’t know. I’m assuming it was that friendly polar bear that I was talking to in Mission. He probably helped me.

All in all a ging, gang, goolie, goolie, goolie, goolie, what’s that? Ging, gang, goo of a night!

Here are some important notes:

Highlight: £137.50 round. Need I say more?

Lowlight: Leaving an hour early

Official drunkit drunkenness rating: Gazzad

Food bought from Pizza box: Chips

Interesting thing: Matt needs a haircut.

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