Catch a wave and your sitting on top of the world!

Posted by on Sunday 17th August 2003. 3 comments.

Our little surfing trip all started a few weeks back. My good pal Donald (you may remember him from past articles about him losing his shoes and buying an £80 ‘gold’ chain in Tenerife) rang me up and asked if I fancied coming down to Wales for a few days of surfing with him.

Knowing Donald I assumed it wouldn’t happen, as he can’t organise his way out of a paper bag. However, I asked a few of the guys and they all seemed well up for it! I had hoped for Brad, Sachin, Elliott, Donald, mattock, Bobby, Tim Hughes, Martin, Ian, Ersan, Dave Cheater, Jonny D, Lewis, Titcombe, Tom Messenger and the Cundster. For some reason all these fucking cock shovelers dropped out. So I was left with Donald, Mattock and Bob. Although this made the madness levels decrease by about 20%, it did make organising the loooong journey a lot easier.

I work at Vodafone Chippenham until 5:30 every day. This made it a mission picking  the lads up by our estimated time of departure of 6:00. I made it pretty much on time due to some super driving speeds (well I was only half an hour late)

So off we went, Mattock driving my car (because I was too lazy to drive) and Bob accompanying the Donster Monster in his little Corsa. We looked the part in our Hawaiian shirts with Surf board on roof.

The journey was amazingly long. As me and Mattlock didn’t know the way we had to stick behind Donald ‘I drive don’t break speed limits’ wank face. So it took us a good 3 and a half hours to get there.

Finally we arrived at about 10:30 in the pitch black. It was time to put the tents up! Guided by the lights on my car we went to assemble the shitty little things. I took one look at Donald with a massive black bag and a pile of sticks, glanced at the 24 pack of Stella and I went and sat in the car. Its not that I couldn’t be arsed to spend an hour in the sub-zero temperatures faffing about with a tent its just…. Well yes, I couldn’t be arsed.

Sitting on the floor, I cracked open the Stellas and Pringles and laughed at the feeble efforts of Donald. He gave up because his tent was ripped or something. Bob’s tent was up in a flash whilst Mattock’s took its time (although it turned out to be massive and Donald slept with him).

So once it all finished we sat about drinking beer and roasting wieners. As I had been out the night before to Pa Na Na I was absolutely shattered by now. The Po’ had been a top night out. Loads of the Commonweal people were there (John Farrow, Tom Weedon, Ben Keating and other people I don’t really know). This forced me to go to sleep at about midnight as I couldn’t keep my eyes open any longer.  

Luckily my car turned out to be über comfortable and I slept all through the night…. Until that wank of a wank Bob woke me up at 7:00 in the morning with his new designer sunglasses he stole from some kid.

So after cocking about with Mattock’s eggs and having a fart competition, Donald and Mattock arose from their stinking love tent. Sir Mattock created some beautiful bacon sarnies then it was time to hit the surf.

We legged it up the beach to be confronted by waves AT LEAST 10cm high!! “Woah” we said. “This is too gnarly for us, lets find a better beach.”

Donald decided to drive us 10000000000000000000000 miles to another beach with slightly higher waves. I turned out to be the best Surfer as I had experience riding the waves on Honolulu beach.

After surfing for about 6 hours we decided it was time to head back to camp. We stopped in some gay little village called Dale Winton to get a pub dinner. I enjoyed some Scampi and a pint of Carling (the best pint of my life I might add. It was nice and cool so went down like a dream). We all had a good laugh at the pint (or half pint if you’re driving) of prawns available on the menu! Great fun!

So after our cracking meal it was finally time to head home for some beer and fun.

We got back and sat on the beach. It was incredibly relaxing watching the sun go down with a bucket of Stella to keep us company.

Donald the surfer was complaining as we kept leaving bottle tops on the beach. He likes to keep his beach clean you see... 3 beers later  (this is Donald remember) we see him throwing a Fanta bottle and an empty can of Castlemain into the sea so we could throw stones at it! Apparently plastic is biodegradable so it was O.k.

As the sun (and the beers) went down, the conversations and fun turned a little a little silly as we went into auto-talkshite mode. We were watching some bird prance about in the sea for around 20 minutes which seemed to keep us going.

That’s when the most relaxing, perfect nice day started going a little bit mad. Somehow I managed to gain super human powers and I was able to take bottle tops off with my hands. Although it only lasted for 1 minute and I couldn’t do it with any others. I was eating pickled onion crisps and enjoying my beer when I suddenly realised it was a bit odd tasting. I put down my crisps (as pickled onion overshadows all flavour) and had a sip of my beer. It was the worst fucking drink of my life! I passed it to Bob and he was close to tears as it was so rough. I had just drunk almost a whole bottle of sea water!!!! YUKKKKKO!!!

When the beach BBQ and beer fest got a bit too dark we thought it would be a good plan to catch last orders at the campsite pub. More crap happened as me and Bob bought each other a pint! So we scoffed the first down and robbed our second pint to drink in the tents.

As I had forgotten to put my tent up again I went back to chill in my car. I thought I would go to put on a bit of music in my car so we could jive the night away….turn key…..clunk cough splutter…..dead……hmmmm…..which cock left the mirror light on? Oh yeah it was Bob. GRR!!! In all fairness to the young boy, leaving the lights on the night before probably did most of the damage so all is forgiven cock face.

After that incident I’m pretty sure I fell to sleep but I’m not sure as I was extremely pissed by now. I woke up being inside a 1000000 degree car with a mouth as dry as someone who had drunk 10 beers and half a bottle of sea water. YUK!

The next plan was to do the manly job of bump starting the car. I had to drive in second gear with the clutch down whilst the guys pushed from behind. Then I lifted the clutch and BABAA it all worked again. Finally Donald showed he has some worthy information inside his mind-boggling head.

We checked some beaches for surf but there was no swell (yes that’s right I know what I’m talking about) so we decided to rack off back home. I was still a bit drunk so I forced Mattock to drive back to sunny Swindon. As we knew the way we zoomed home in under 2 hours leaving Bob and Donald in our wake. I could see the sadness in Bobby’s face as he was forced to listen to yet more Gun’s and Roses!

A great weekend! No clubs but very relaxing and lots of fun and games. I would definitely go again to catch some proper large waves. Anyone is welcome as long as they want to have a laugh and stay with the mature theme of dead arms and toilet/sex humour!

Keep it real peeps.

Jim

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