Jim meets the Crew in Southampton

Posted by on Wednesday 12nd November 2003. 4 comments.

“No Bobby I can’t go to Southampton” Replied Jim on the phone

“Oh please James I love you. I want to kiss your bottom” Bobby exclaimed randily.

“No Bob I’m going to Wycombe to watch Swindon so I won’t make it in time” snapped Jim.

*******

So I got home from Wycombe and thought, “Meh, may as well meet the lads. It beats getting drunk in Swindon.” (They had been there all day instead of going to football)”

Zoom... I got to Southampton in just 55 minutes. I wasn’t speeding, honest Guv’. I parked in the high street coincidently outside the pub the lads were in. Once I got inside the pub I saw Brad, Jon, Bob, Mattock, Ersan and Sachin all sitting in the corner having a few beers. They all decided to play a great trick on me by pretending they couldn’t see me. Luckily for me Bob’s dopey face was on my side and I saw him say “James is here!” or something stupid like that. So after the initial shock of being ignored a huge “Hurah!” was shouted and we made our way somewhere else.

This pub was a “Scream” pub with the yellow card jobbies. I had my first drink in here. Double Vodka and 'Raging Bull'. We scoffed a few of these and then started playing the thumb master game. No pointing, swearing or first names allowed. If the thumb master puts his thumb on the table the last person to copy has  to down his drink. Heh heh heh. I lost a few times but I was loving it because I wanted to get more drunk. Then as we left, Bob the complete woman had to down his half pint of Vodka Raging bull. LORD OH LORD I’VE NEVER SEEN ANYTHING QUITE LIKE IT! What an absolute pansy. Sipping it for about 2 minutes and stopping to take deep breaths. “OH no I’m feeling sick, this is rough. Urgh I’m falling off the chair.”

Bob wins the woman’s award for biggest woman.

Then we strolled on over to some other posh pub. On the way Bob (who was now completely battered) gave me a punch in the spine that knocked me over. Bloody fricking bastard. We got into the pub and I ordered my round of 2 San Miguel’s (£5.80- Shocking). Bob and Mattock were sitting talking to these rather lovely girls. Bob comes steaming over to me like a bull with vodka for blood and shouts,

“Andrews such a fucking cock! He just was talking to that bird and she’s a children’s nurse and he said, “Oh your work must be very rewarding”  

At the time it was hilarious but I can’t quite remember the exact wording and that just looks a bit weird.

Anyway, Andrew, Bob, Brad and…. ERSAN were all absolutely fucked by now. Brad and Ersan had an absinth together then spent the next 15 minutes together in the toilet… Hmm…

So we had our drink here, then shot off to the club. I can’t remember what the club was called, but it was great! The DJ had a digital camera and took our photos. I walked off to get a drink and forgot about the photo. Ten minutes later I see me and Bob on a huge screen in the club! I was purchasing drinks on my own and just started cracking up. Then I noticed Bob was in the background to nearly every picture after that. Loser.

So I managed to catch up with the cocks and was finally hammered. Don’t really remember much in the club, apart from dancing and having a mad time.

The club finished and we popped outside for some fresh air. Jonny went home with his girlfriends housemate (to have lots of sex), Mattock had disappeared and just left me, brad, Ersan, Bob and Sachin. We wandered up the road trying to find a curry house. Bob and me were lagging behind because we were fighting. I won because if you remember from earlier in the story Bob’s a big woman.

Then we notice Brad, Ersan and Sachin start legging it to a taxi and get in a zoom off. Fucking wanker bastards. How dare they stitch us! Not to worry, Bob and me had more important things to do than eat curry. We got in our own taxi and went back to Sachin and Jonny’s house. There was no one in so we went and bought a load of pies to eat. I tried climbing up stuff and generally acting the fool. Oh what fun I had.

I can’t be arsed to explain where everyone arrived because I can’t really remember. But we all got in the house and the boring fuckers wanted to sleep. Bugger that I thought (no Elliott wasn’t there) I’m gonna have more fun! So I made loads of noise and jumped around with Sachin.  Sachin shot me with a tranquilliser and I fell asleep.

That’s all I can be arsed to write now. Apart from Sachin went into the back of Mattocks’s car and knackered them up. And Ersan went the wrong way home and we ended up on the m25!

Enjoy yourselves peeps

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